Make Me Smile (after an ectopic pregnancy)

When I walked back into the waiting room minutes after my last IVF embryo transfer, with two day 5 embryos (blastocysts) in my uterus, "Make Me Smile (Come Up and See Me)" was playing on the radio. I told my little ones that this would always be our song.

After a two week wait that ended in tears and more tears, and then a miracle, the time that I was pregnant was extremely anxious but very special. I had a little fighter and I had hope, although I knew it was a very fragile hope. I had an ultrasound scan booked for day 31 and the day before the scan I heard our song on the radio again. Sunnyboy and I were at work stocking the toy shelves with soft toys when it came on and at that moment I knew in my heart that I was going to lose our little fighter too.

The next day after the scan, finding out the pregnancy was ectopic, being admitted to hospital and then discharging myself to come home and pack a bag, I sat down and cried until I was ready to face phoning a taxi to go back to hospital. While I sat at home crying I posted our song for our baby and said goodbye. Then I came home from hospital two days later without a baby.

I should be nine months pregnant now. I'm not. I don't get to give birth to and hold that baby but we still have our song. A song that always makes me cry and smile for a baby that Sunnyboy and I will always miss and love.

Thank you little fighter. You make me smile.