101 inspiring links: spring, creativity and parenting

Feeling Spring at Shivaya Naturals
First Day of Spring at Childhood Magic
New Beginnings... at Mom in Madison
Hanging Out at On Bradstreet
Cultivating Joy at Chicken Counting
loving it up at Days of You and Me
Enjoying The Little Things at Simple, Green, Frugal Co-op
Simple Spring Celebrations: Earth Day, Easter, and The Pink Full Moon at SimpleKids
Blog Favorites: Spring and Easter at mama smiles
Easter Activities at Counting Coconuts
Carnival of Unschooled Life—April 1, 2010 at The Expanding Life
“Beginnings” – March 2010 blog carnival at Enjoy Life Unschooling
Homeschooling Series: Resources at Shivaya Naturals
Innate Knowledge… at rhythm of the home
Why home education works, even when it doesn't.... at What are we doing tomorrow
Our Pace at Free to learn an lovin it
My Favorite Unschooling books that keep me motivated. at Free to learn an lovin it
The Call to Brilliance... at Flow of Love
Children Teach Themselves to Read at Freedom to Learn
When Less is More: The Case for Teaching Less Math in Schools at Freedom to Learn
Taking a leap out of the box to see that consequences are damaging and make no sense! at Ode Magazine Blogs
unschool monday :: so how does it work? at owlet
What If? at Unschooling Adventure
A Different Perspective at Unschooling Ruminations
Ice Cream for Dinner? Yes! at Ohio Moms Blog
Learning Flexibility Together at Steady Mom
Pushing our kids away at Radio Free School
John Holt: question or quiz? at Radio Free School
Instead of Education at Radio Free School
Free Range Surrey Ride at the Beach at Child's Play!
Preserving Childhood at Home Baked
The importance of being at home at Home Baked
Survival guide to home education: 'me time' at grit's day
Kids in woods at grit's day
Did we socialise? at grit's day
Opening our Hearts at The Wonder Days
I Choose You Happiness at Pepper Paints
Grace… Heap it on Yourself at SimpleMom
Crafting Rich Experiences for our Children on a Frugal Budget at SimpleMom
The Family that Plays Together at SimpleHomeschool
6 Easy Outings to Nurture Your Child’s Mind (& Yours, Too) at SimpleHomeschool
Going Wild: How to Enjoy Nature With Your Kids—Wherever You Live at EcoHearth
hike on the top of the world at All of Us
A sunshiney afternoon. at Becoming Sarah
Faith at Journalling through Photos
Sepia Scenes - The Alphabet at The Wilson-Parkes Family Tree
This is why... at Space of Love
How much fun can you have... at The Interrupted Gardener
.: A Garland Of Roses :. at garden mama
.: Nature & Nurture :. at garden mama
The Love List at Shivaya Naturals
A Mother's Love at peaceful parenting
Morning cereal at Serenity Now!
The Cherished Child: Parenting after Infertility at Creating A Family
My Infertile Heart at The Baby Dust Diaries

Spring crafts
Celebrating Spring: The Welcome at Shivaya Naturals
Appearance of The Root Children at rhythm of the home
Coloring Eggs Naturally at rhythm of the home
Spring Blossoms at Little Family Fun
spring birds to hang at 5 Orange Potatoes
Rockin' Spring Chick... at A bit of this and a bit of that...
Paper Daffodils at Notes from Emily
Miniature Fairy Garden at Childhood Magic
Gnome and Fairy Books at Wee Folk Art
Egg Cartons – Imagine the Possibilities at SimpleKids
Quick Craft -- Spring Tree Sculpture at Frugal Family Fun Blog
Story Stones and Sidewalk Scenes at Frugal Family Fun Blog
Coloring Rice Green for a Springtime Display at makes and takes
plants who live in glass houses (with stones) at Paint Cut Paste
interesting things at Paint Cut Paste
capturing the spring at The Blankie Chronicles
Spring quilting at Stitches in Play
wash, press, fold, cut, repeat at Stitches in Play
The Art Jar at Chasing Cheerios
Get Your Kids Creating. at Clean.

Nature tables
which name, Sugar Boot and Weasel, The Interrupted Gardener, Space of Love, Green Babies, An Art Family, Stirrings and Stories, Granola Girl, This, My Life, In the purple house, LaLa...A Mountain Mama, Seasons of Joy, are so happy, Bluebirdbaby, Slugs and Snails, Living in the Land of Chocolate, Redbeet Mama, Alpengarten, playing house., morning sun rae, The Kings and I, Zach Aboard, Loopity Lou, MamaMoontime, Garden Mama,
Lots of these nature tables (and ours) can also be seen at rhythm of the home's Our Spring Nature Tables...

More inspiration

NVC Book Giveaway at Sensible Living

Sensible Living is holding an NVC Book Giveaway and giving away copies of both Parenting From Your Heart and Raising Children Compassionately. To enter leave a comment on this post at Sensible Living (two winners will be randomly selected on 25th January).

There's also currently a Mango Juice Bag Giveaway here at sunnydaytodaymama. To be included in a random draw to win a 'mango juice' bag made from recycled juice cartons leave a comment on this post. The closing date for entries is Friday 29th January at midnight GMT and the winner will be announced on Monday 1st February.

Why Love Matters Giveaway WINNER

The winner of the Why Love Matters Giveaway is kellyi at We Are Here. Congratulations kellyi and thank you to everyone who entered. My next post has the details of a new Giveaway starting today.

Giveaways and a new *Gift of Jewels* project

Today is the last day to enter the Why Love Matters Giveaway at sunnydaytodaymama and be included in a random draw to win a copy of Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby's Brain by Sue Gerhardt. Entries close at midnight GMT and the winner will be announced on Monday 11th January, along with details of a new Giveaway starting next week.



I'm delighted to have won a beautiful handmade *world peace* poster and set of floral postcards donated by Operation You in the recent *Gift of Jewels* giveaways at Necessary Room. Thank you Se'Lah and Vchelle. Necessary Room is now hosting a new *Gift of Jewels* project. Participants will send a randomly selected person a greeting card in the post and each receive one in return. To take part visit *Gift of Jewels* project: peace and love... by 30th January.



My thanks also to A Mountain Mama who, following the previous *Gift of Jewels* project, sent us a sweet drawing by her daughter of 'Sunnyboy and the butterflies'. It was a lovely surprise and Sunnyboy was very pleased to receive it.

Why Love Matters GIVEAWAY

This giveaway is now closed. Congratulations kellyi.



Yesterday I posted something magical aka the day my life changed forever. Today I'm celebrating my IVF miracle baby (and the beginning of life with a sunny boy) by hosting the first Giveaway at sunnydaytodaymama and giving away a copy of Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby's Brain by Sue Gerhardt. To enter the Giveaway just leave a comment on this post and your name will be included in a random draw. The closing date for entries is Friday 8th January 2010 at midnight GMT and the winner will be announced on Monday 11th January 2010. You can also receive 3 extra entries if you blog a link to the Why Love Matters Giveaway and then leave a comment here with a link to your post.

A sample from Why Love Matters is available at http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/sue_gerhardt.html

why love matters

See more Love Thursdays at Chookooloonks

Inspiration at the library and Guess How Much I Love You in the Autumn

Our city's main public library closed for refurbishments nearly three years ago so we had been walking to a small library further from the centre of town. Having pretty much read all the books we wanted to there, it was very exciting when the big library finally reopened at the end of September. It's great to get to call in at the library regularly again while we are in town and to have such a large selection of books to choose from once more. One of the library books we've borrowed at the moment is Guess How Much I Love You in the Autumn by Sam McBratney (with illustrations by Anita Jeram).




'Then a big brown box came rolling by, blown by the autumn wind. Little Nutbrown Hare caught up with the box when it got stuck in a bush.
What a fine big box!
It was great for jumping over...
jumping on...
and jumping in.'

Here are the rest of the library books we have out on loan and I'm looking forward to lots more library inspiration to come.



Find out more about Book Sharing Monday at Serendipity.

*Operation You is the home of Inspirational Monday. You can get more inspiration there and are invited to stop by and post your links of inspiration.

Original Play

"Original Play" is described in Playing By Heart: The Vision and Practice of Belonging by O. Fred Donaldson. Through playing with many different wild animals (including wolves, bears, lions and dolphins) he discovered that undomesticated mammals (including young children) all play the same way. He calls this Original Play and explains how it differs from the Cultural Play (Contest Play) which adults teach children.

Below is a link to a 28 minute video documentary of O. Fred Donaldson teaching an Original Play workshop to a group of parents and their children. I would highly recommend this fascinating and inspiring video if you are a parent, grandparent or anyone who ever plays with children.

Original Play VIDEO

To watch the video click on Original Play, then Original Play again, and then Original Play VIDEO Part One/Two/Three.

Parental Love with Strings Attached

NEW YORK TIMES
September 15, 2009

Parental Love with Strings Attached
By Alfie Kohn

[This is a slightly expanded version of the published article, which was titled "When a Parent's 'I Love You' Means 'Do as I Say.'" For a more detailed treatment of the topic discussed here, please see the book or DVD entitled Unconditional Parenting.]

More than 50 years ago, Carl Rogers suggested that successful psychotherapy relies on three key ingredients. Therapists must be genuine rather than hiding behind a mask of professionalism. They must understand their clients’ feelings accurately. And they must put aside judgment in order to express “unconditional positive regard” for those they seek to help.

That last one is a doozy – not only because it’s so difficult but because of what the need for it says about how we were raised. Rogers believed that therapists need to accept their clients without any strings attached so that the clients can begin to accept themselves. And the reason so many have disowned or repressed parts of who they are is because their parents put “conditions of worth” on their care: I love you, but only when you’re well-behaved (or successful in school, or impressive to other adults, or quiet, or thin, or deferential, or cute . . .)

The implication is that loving our children isn’t enough. We have to love them unconditionally – for who they are, not for what they do.

As a father, I know this is a tall order, but it becomes even more challenging now that so much of the advice we are given amounts to exactly the opposite. In effect, we’re given tips in conditional parenting, which comes in two flavors: turn up the affection when they’re good, withhold affection when they’re not.

Thus, TV’s “Dr. Phil” McGraw tells us in his book Family First that what children need or enjoy should be offered contingently, turned into rewards to be doled out or withheld so they “behave according to your wishes.” And “one of the most powerful currencies for a child,” he adds, “is the parents’ acceptance and approval.”

Likewise, Jo Frost of “Supernanny,” in her book of the same name, says, “The best rewards are attention, praise, and love,” and these should be held back “when the child behaves badly . . . until she says she is sorry,” at which point the love is turned back on.

Note that conditional parenting isn’t limited to old-school authoritarians. Some people who wouldn’t dream of spanking choose instead to discipline their young children by forcibly isolating them, a tactic we prefer to call “time out.” Conversely, “positive reinforcement” teaches children that they’re loved – and lovable – only when they do whatever we decide is a “good job.”

This raises the intriguing possibility that the problem with praise isn’t that it is done the wrong way -- or handed out too easily, as social conservatives insist. Rather, it might be just another method of control, analogous to punishment. The primary message of all types of conditional parenting is that children must earn a parent’s love. A steady diet of that, Rogers warned, and children might eventually need a therapist to provide the unconditional acceptance they didn’t get when it counted.

But was Rogers right? Before we toss out mainstream discipline, it would be nice to have some evidence. And now we do.

In 2004, two Israeli researchers, Avi Assor and Guy Roth, joined Edward Deci, a leading American expert on the psychology of motivation, in asking more than 100 college students whether the love they had received from their parents had seemed to depend on whether they had succeeded in school, practiced hard for sports, been considerate toward others, or suppressed emotions like anger and fear.

It turned out that children who received conditional approval were indeed somewhat more likely to act as the parent wanted. But compliance came at a steep price. First, these children tended to resent and dislike their parents. Second, they were apt to say that the way they acted was often due more to a “strong internal pressure” than to “a real sense of choice.” Moreover, their happiness after succeeding at something was usually short-lived and they often felt guilty or ashamed.

In a companion study, Assor and his colleagues interviewed mothers of grown children. With this generation, too, conditional parenting proved damaging. Those mothers who, as children, sensed that they were loved only when they lived up to their parents’ expectations now felt less worthy as adults. Yet despite the negative effects, these mothers were more likely to use conditional affection with their own children.

This July, the same researchers, now joined by two of Deci’s colleagues at the University of Rochester, published two replications and extensions of the 2004 study. This time their subjects were ninth graders, and this time giving more attention and affection when children did what parents wanted was carefully distinguished from giving less when they did not.

The studies found that both positive and negative conditional parenting were harmful, but in slightly different ways. The positive kind sometimes succeeded in getting children to work harder on academic tasks, but at the cost of unhealthy feelings of “internal compulsion.” Negative conditional parenting, meanwhile, didn’t even work in the short run; it just increased the teenagers’ negative feelings about their parents.

What these – and other – studies tell us, if we’re able to hear the news, is that praising children for doing something right isn’t a meaningful alternative to pulling back or punishing when they do something wrong. Both are examples of conditional parenting, and both are counterproductive.

The child psychologist Bruno Bettelheim, who readily acknowledged that the version of negative conditional parenting known as time-out can cause “deep feelings of anxiety,” nevertheless endorsed them for that very reason. “When our words are not enough,” he said, “the threat of the withdrawal of our love and affection is the only sound method to impress on him that he had better conform to our request.”

But the data suggest that love withdrawal isn’t particularly effective at getting compliance, much less at promoting moral development. Even if we did succeed in making children obey us, though – say, by using positive reinforcement – is obedience worth the possible long-term psychological harm? Should parental love be used as a tool for controlling children?

Deeper issues also underlie a different sort of criticism. Albert Bandura, the father of the branch of psychology known as social learning theory, declared that unconditional love “would make children directionless and quite unlovable” – an assertion entirely unsupported by empirical studies. The idea that children accepted for who they are would lack direction or appeal is most informative for what it tells us about the dark view of human nature held by those who issue such warnings.

In practice, according to an impressive collection of data by Deci and others, unconditional acceptance by parents as well as teachers should be accompanied by “autonomy support”: explaining reasons for requests, maximizing opportunities for the child to participate in making decisions, being encouraging without manipulating, and actively imagining how things look from the child’s point of view.

The last of these features is important with respect to unconditional parenting itself. Most of us would protest that of course we love our children without any strings attached. But what counts is how things look from the perspective of the children – whether they feel just as loved when they mess up or fall short.

Carl Rogers didn’t say so, but I’ll bet he would have been glad to see less demand for skillful therapists if that meant more people were growing into adulthood having already felt unconditionally accepted.


Copyright © 2009 by Alfie Kohn. This article may be downloaded, reproduced, and distributed without permission as long as each copy includes this notice along with citation information (i.e., name of the periodical in which it originally appeared, date of publication, and author's name). Permission must be obtained in order to reprint this article in a published work or in order to offer it for sale in any form. Please write to the address indicated on the Contact Us page.

www.alfiekohn.org -- © Alfie Kohn

*The inspiration for Conscious Friday comes from Se'Lah at Necessary Room.

Work, play and learning in the lives of young children

'What about the youngest children - where do they fit in? Samantha Punch carried out a detailed study of children's work in Churquiales, a small rural community in Southern Bolivia. By three or four years old, children were already fetching water, collecting firewood, going on errands, feeding ducks and chickens, scaring birds from crops, picking peas and beans, peeling maize stalks and harvesting peaches. As children got older they progressed onto more complex, physically demanding and responsible tasks...

Punch concludes

Even from an early age children carry out some tasks independently and they should not be seen purely as helpers but active contributors in their own right. Their unpaid work not only benefits the household ... but also increases their sense of autonomy, enabling them to gain skills and competencies useful for their individual independence. (2001:818)

...From a Western perspective, child work is viewed as a potential threat to children's welfare and development. The expression 'child labour' is frequently used, which has connotations of exploitation and harm. From his research among the Abaluyia of Kenya, Weisner (1989) notes that parents may hold a quite contrary view. Children's work is seen as valuable, not just in preparing them for their adult roles, but serving an essential function as a form of emotional and social support, integrating children into a family and community network that places high value on interdependence and interconnectedness...

[In Europe and North America] most young children's activities are interpreted within the dominant discourse of 'play' and 'learning'. From the children's point of view they are experienced as attempts to contribute, as small examples of 'work'.'

Work, play and learning in the lives of young children
Martin Woodhead
In: Psychological Development and Early Childhood by John Oates, Clare Wood and Andrew Grayson, The Open University 2005, pages 41-46




March 2009

*The inspiration for Conscious Friday comes from Se'Lah at Necessary Room.

Children's work and the Continuum Concept

'I was present at the first moments of one little girl's working life. She was about two years old. I had seen her with the women and girls, playing as they grated manioc into a trough. Now she was taking a piece of manioc from the pile and rubbing it against the grater of a girl near her. The chunk was too big; she dropped it several times trying to draw it across the rough board. An affectionate smile and a smaller piece of manioc came from her neighbour, and her mother, ready for the inevitable impulse to show itself, handed her a tiny grating board of her own. The little girl had seen the women grating as long as she could remember and immediately rubbed the nubbin up and down her board like the others.
She lost interest in less than a minute and ran off, leaving her little grater in the trough and no noticeable inroads on the manioc. No one made her feel her gesture was funny or a 'surprise'; the women did, indeed, expect it sooner or later, as they are all familiar with the fact that children do join in the culture, though their approach and pace are dictated by forces within themselves. That the end result will be social, cooperative and entirely voluntary is not in question.'

Jean Liedloff
The Continuum Concept


May 2009

Babies at Work

Parenting in the Workplace Institute

Self Fulfillment and Full Time Parenting

'Staying at home full time to raise a child does not mean there should be no opportunities for personal fulfillment - quite the contrary. Being at home can create opportunities to develop new skills and explore other possibilities. This huge life change can create the momentum necessary to stretch our imaginations and pursue new areas of interest.

Many people find self fulfillment through paid work. In traditional cultures women undertake work with their children on their backs in slings or by their sides playing. Extended families and communities share the care of children, who enjoy being part of everyday life. Only in westernised society does women going to work equate to leaving children in the care of strangers.

“There are many ways to maintain a career or outside interests from home. As tribal cultures demonstrate, children do not need to be the centre of attention to be well adjusted – they simply need to be kept close and integrated into the activities of their parents. According to Jean Liedloff, young children are uncomfortable when adults are focused on them; rather, they need to be the observers in order to absorb and learn as the adults around them go about the business of daily life” Peggy O’Mara in Natural Family Living (2000:119).'

Self Fulfillment and Full Time Parenting
by Susan Stark

Radical Parenting

A "Radical Parent" quote at living our own lives.

Rocking and Swinging

Here's an interesting post at The Wonder Years about Rocking, Swinging and Brain Development.

The Philosophical Baby

The Philosophical Baby: What Children's Minds Tell Us About Truth, Love, and the Meaning of Life
by Alison Gopnik
2009



The Philosophical Baby - about the book

'Your Baby Is Smarter Thank You Think'
Alison Gopnik, The New York Times, August 15, 2009

'Babies' brains are more sophisticated than we ever believed'
Alison Gopnik, The Times Online, August 15, 2009

'From butterfly to caterpillar: How children grow up'
Alison Gopnik, New Scientist, August 4, 2009

'Amazing Babies: A Talk with Alison Gopnik'
Edge (Interview), August 11, 2009

For the Sake of Our Children

For the Sake of Our Children
by Léandre Bergeron
translated by Pamela Levac
foreword by John Taylor Gatto
2009

"You are about to encounter the amazing tale of Léandre Bergeron and his three born-at-home daughters as they educated themselves on the family farm. If you attend sharply while you read, you will discern under its quiet style a profoundly revolutionary narrative which, if imitated widely, would turn the North American education world (or any other) upside down, with incalculable effects...Bergeron’s commitment to full human rights for the young is so unstinting it challenges many child-rearing conventions that most of the rest of us take for granted. In that very surprising commitment resides much of this book’s power. It inspires reflection, causing the reader to ask as he or she might have done on their own account long ago: 'Why are we doing this?' 'What do we hope to gain?' Bergeron’s text compels such introspection."
John Taylor Gatto
Author, Dumbing Us Down, Weapons of Mass InstructionExcerpts from For the Sake of Our Children
Natural Life magazine, September/October 2009

For the Sake of Our Children - about the book
'A powerful description of a life led respecting and trusting children, from the naturalness of home birth and breastfeeding on demand, through learning by living and working together on a small farm and in a natural food store. The author's passionate ruminations about his strongly-held philosophies of attachment parenting and self-directed education are woven throughout a series of journal entries describing the daily life of a family of three unschooled teens. The result is a wonderfully warm, sometimes funny, always wise potpourri of advice and inspiration about natural parenting and unschooling from a father who writes, "I believe I have broken free from my complicity with other adults. I have chosen to remove myself from this adult world to side with children." This book provides both rationale for and proof of the wisdom of choosing a path that is so little trod upon in our world, the path of freedom, of respect for our children, of trust in them and belief in their ability to regulate and educate themselves.'

The Baby Bond

The BABY BOND: The New Science Behind What's Really Important When Caring for Your Baby
by Linda Folden Palmer
2009

"Babies would tell you to buy this book!"
Jan Hunt, MSc

Script for "Meant to Be Held" Video:


The BABY BOND: Meant to Be Held


There are those who have said that babies should not be held often... that their cries for attention are merely means to manipulate their parents. There are those who have said that babies should not be held often because they need to develop independence.


Quite contrary to the popular idea that babies are out to control their parents, babies are truly helpless immature beings with feelings and instinctual drives for survival and social imprinting, designed to develop powerful bonds with their primary caregivers.


Babies thrive when they are tenderly cared for, nursed, and closely nurtured.


In fact, it has been found that the level and quality of maternal care, especially during the earliest months, provides an incredibly consistent indicator of a child's future behavior and socialization.


Well-bonded, securely attached children are more responsive to parental requests, a kind of “dependence” that is preferable.


The outcome of DETACHED parenting is most clearly seen during adolescence when poorly attached children often exhibit highly destructive behavior toward themselves and others.


Furthermore, many adult diseases, both mental and physical, as well as the now common inability to form long-bonded marital or partner relationships, stem from this lack of strong early attachment.


Leaving babies crying alone in cribs and otherwise maintaining physical distance through propped bottles, playpens, and plastic baby carriers, contributes to poor attachment. Those who study the functioning of our nerves and hormones have now demonstrated that a hormonally conducted bonding occurs when parents consistently touch, protect, and care for their baby, and that the infant's brain patterns are permanently altered by bonding patterns between parent and child.


Most would agree that children probably do not consciously remember the way they were treated during early infancy, BUT, it can be shown that while the specifics may be lost, unconscious memories are developed on neurological and biochemical levels from birth – a baby's brain develops according to its environment, from day one.


And, as far as the coveted independence goes, it has been shown that those who receive the most affection early on display the highest levels of independence as adults.


It has been proven neurologically and biochemically that the health, behavior, intelligence, and success of our children, and the adults they become, can be positively influenced by the earliest parenting choices.


When you pick up a crying baby, you provide security and comfort and build the baby's trust in her caretakers. An infant who is fed when he is hungry feels satiated, loved, and respected, and trusts that he is safe. A baby whose parents respond to her feelings knows she can confide in them.


I once witnessed an older pediatrician strongly disapprove of the way a toddler clung to his mother and demanded that she hold him while the doctor examined him. He said to the mother, “It all starts the first day you pick him up when he cries.” My only answer to this is, “Yes, it does.”

The Baby Bond - about the book

Mothering Denied

Mothering Denied: The sources of love, and how our culture harms infants, women and society.
by Dr Peter Cook
Forward by Steve Biddulph
2009

"In this book Peter Cook has created something of great value. He summarises much research, making it accessible to those who wish to know more, as he draws on over half a century of thinking and learning about human infants and their mothers and fathers."
Steve Biddulph
Psychologist, and author of Raising Babies

"I urge everyone with a social conscience to heed Peter Cook's sage words about early childhood. Failure to do so can only result in further damage to the young and the fabric of our society."
Forrester Cockburn
Emeritus Professor of Child Health
University of Glasgow, Scotland.

"When will the logic and evidence marshalled by Peter Cook in this book have its influence on the world of new babies? Not until all of us opt for a way of life beyond the envy and greed of consumerism, and revalue the many things that matter most for human wellbeing."
Elliott Barker, MD.
Forensic psychiatrist, editor of Empathic Parenting
Founder, Canadian Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children

Abstract

Mothering Denied
The sources of love, and how our culture harms infants, women, and society

Although the word ‘mothering’ has become politically incorrect, the facts of life remain unchanged. Five different lines of evidence now converge to show that there is a natural, biologically-based, best-fit pattern of human mothering, and it includes breastfeeding, carrying, secure attachment, mutual rewards, enjoyment, and empathy—meaning a mother’s sensitivity to her baby’s feelings and an ability to respond accordingly. Mutual playfulness and joy help to sustain healthy development if the environment is supportive and meets basic human needs. These five lines of evidence coming from different directions and disciplines, each supporting the same conclusion, give it greater validity.
Part One: Five lines of evidence for natural, 'best-fit' mothering

Firstly, by considering the direct maternal pedigrees of each person alive today, we can deduce some important facts about human beings and human nature, and the characteristics that must have been essential for the survival of all our maternal ancestors, as they lived in tribes of hunter-gatherers, and each baby girl successfully passed her genes on to the next generation. Through this process we received our genetic inheritance, and we cannot change it.

Secondly, there is much evidence that only human breast milk perfectly matches the needs of human infants. This has far-reaching implications for healthy development, including helping to achieve full intellectual potential.

Thirdly, secure and unfailing bonds of attachment between a mother and her baby have been essential for the breastfeeding and survival of all mammals. Disruption of these attachment bonds—being life-threatening—normally causes acute distress, and if prolonged, it can be damaging. For most of the time that humans have lived on earth, the support of other females in the group, and preferably that of the father also, has been necessary for survival.

Fourthly, the hormones and brain activities involved in human mothering are now known to be much the same as in other mammals. The patterns of normal mothering behavior that are common to all mammals depend on the same parts of the basic mammalian ‘maternal brain,’ but they require the right conditions to function well.

Fifthly, there is increasing evidence that disrupting natural mothering behaviors and relationships can cause harm in a variety of ways, leading to disturbed development, especially in the capacities for healthy and empathic emotional relationships.
Part Two: When the environment does not match early needs

Disturbed development can arise when departures from natural patterns of mothering create environments that fail to match the biologically-based needs of mothers, babies, and very young children, in ways that disrupt important biological mechanisms that are based in the human genome. Such ‘eco-genetic mismatch’ can be especially harmful during pregnancy, childbirth, and early childhood. This mismatch often stems from teachings and practices that neglect human needs and arise from ignorance and misconceived ideas about the nature of the human infant. However well-meaning, these can lead to disturbed development and a variety of emotional and physical disorders.
Part Three: Conclusions and what can be done

To put into practice some steps towards more healthy families and to improve their physical and emotional mental health, it is important to distinguish the needs of children nearer school age from those of infants. An infant’s primary need is for nurturing and early mothering within a supportive environment that preferably includes a loving father and an extended family and/or social group.

To achieve this, we should seek to create societies that are in better harmony with the human biological ‘givens.’ We cannot change these ‘givens,’ and we would therefore do well to accept them. This involves supporting healthy mothering, breastfeeding, and attachment, with generous maternity leave. Models exist that offer many benefits—even for ‘the economy.’ To promote health and wellbeing in young children, their mothers, and society, we must work with Nature, not against her. Prevention is better than cure. A healthy mother-child relationship is a love affair that needs the right conditions to flourish.

Infancy cannot be re-run later.

© 2009 by Peter S. Cook. This Abstract may be reproduced in full, as above.

Download Mothering Denied

Peter Cook Library at The Natural Child Project

Toy storage in a small space - Part 2

I've posted before about toy storage in our small, cozy flat and another way we store toys is by using a wooden box as a coffee table.



Inside the box are Sunnyboy's dressing up clothes.



It's also used among other things as a play table, an art table, a boat and for jumping off.



There are more ideas for toy storage in a small space in these posts:
Toy storage in a small space - Part 1
Puzzle storage
An art easel in a small space
An art display in a small space
Frugal play kitchen
Folding trampoline

Click here to see the play, crafts and learning ideas blog link-ups we share at.

See more Make-Do Mondays at Ann Kroeker's blog (Saturday is the official release date of Ann's new book, Not So Fast: Slow-Down Solutions for Frenzied Families)

London Unschooling Conference

On Saturday we went to the 1st Annual London Unschooling Conference.



Before we left:
Sunnyboy - "Are we going to a charity shop?"
Me - "No, we're going on the train to London for the Unschooling Conference."
Sunnyboy - "Is there a charity shop next to it?"

It was so wonderful to meet other unschoolers and Dayna Martin's 'Introduction to Unschooling' keynote speech was very inspiring, as were her circle talks 'Common Unschooling Challenges' and 'From Control to Connection'. I got a copy of Dayna's new book Radical Unschooling - A Revolution Has Begun and, although I've only read the first few pages so far, here's a quote I love already,

'Yes, this might sound strange at first, but as the old saying goes, Don't believe everything you think. Children do not need to be forced to learn, ever. They never need to be punished, or motivated by grades to learn what they need in life to be successful and happy. Children never need to jump through the hoops, like most kids in our culture do, to get from point A to point B. Open your eyes and see how brainwashed we truly are in our culture about what we think education and parenting are. It's time to embrace the paradigm shift and evolve as a parent. Your children deserve it!'

I also went to Sandra Dodd's talk about 'Unforeseen Benefits of Unschooling', a fascinating talk by Sophia Woodley on 'Unschooling in British History' and there was a group discussion of the Badman Report at the end of the conference.

Sunnyboy had a great time with his Nana (who came with us), playing with all the lovely toys set up in the playroom and making friends with the other children there. He also enjoyed climbing up and down the stairs to visit me during the circle talks held outside on the pavement (we live in a ground floor flat so stairs have always been fascinating to Sunnyboy).

In bed at the end of the day:
Sunnyboy - "I need to tell you something mama. I like the train set at the, um, um, you tell me mama."
Me - "at the unschooling conference?"
Sunnyboy - "Yes, that's it. I like the train set at the unschooling conference."


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