22 February 2011

Life of a mother

20 years of Infertility

Start trying to conceive (TTC) with partner. I go to my GP on several occasions within a couple of months, with symptoms of Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID). Each time GP says there's nothing wrong and no treatment is given.

Still TTC.

Laparoscopy shows severe damage to both fallopian tubes as a result of untreated chronic PID. My only chance of pregnancy is by Assisted Conception.

Partner leaves me for someone who is fertile. In Vitro Fertilisation (IVF) is not an option as most clinics will only treat couples (it is also expensive and has much lower success rates than now).

Trying to come to terms with Infertility and accept not having a child/children.

Coming to terms with Infertility but unable to accept not having a child/children. Nozy (who I met at 27yrs) suggests we try IVF (by this time the success rates are 25-35% for women under 35yrs).

Saving for IVF.

32yrs-to present time
Saving for future IVF/FETs.

IVF cycle starts early October 2005 (having been delayed most of the year) at Bourn Hall clinic. Egg Collection is 1st December and 21 eggs are retrieved, 18 fertilised. Embryo Transfer is 3rd December. Two embryos are transferred and 16 embryos are frozen. Then the Two Week Wait (2ww). Beta hCG blood test is 16th December and it's a BFP (Big Fat Positive). I'm pregnant. Life with a sunny boy begins.
Anxious wait for 6wk early pregnancy scan and I'm overjoyed to see a heartbeat. Anxiety throughout first trimester and hoping to relax in second trimester but bleeding at 13wks so anxiety continues. Finally start to believe that everything is fine and I'm going to give birth soon when baby starts kicking at 16wks and after 20wk scan.
Sunnyboy is born August 2006.

Appreciating life as an IVF mother. Sunnyboy is growing big. Every day I think of our embryos; they are my babies. Waiting to be able to try Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) cycle/s.

Appreciating life as an IVF mother and looking forward to FET.

FET cycle begins late October 2010 at Bourn Hall. At endometrial scan the embryo transfer is delayed for a week due to needing more Oestrogen. Second endometrial scan is fine so embryo transfer is booked for Monday 20th December and all our 16 embryos are thawed so they can be cultured to blastocysts (then two transferred and the unused ones frozen again). On Friday 17th December I learn that 10 have survived the thaw, on Saturday there are 6 but most are not growing and on Sunday there are 3 and none are growing well. On Monday we go to the clinic for the transfer and are told that only one embryo is still viable and hasn't reached blastocyst stage. The transfer is delayed to see if the embryo can get to blastocyst stage by the next day. On Tuesday 21st December the clinic phones to say that the embryo didn't make it. My babies are gone.

I am a Mother and I am Infertile.


  1. This is the first time I've heard your whole story. I'm so sorry for all the heartbreak you've had. I always think of you as "sunny" mama but I know infertility doesn't end with motherhood. What's next for you?

    Wishing you the best. Thanks for being there for us all.

  2. Thank you so much for sharing that heartfelt post. I can not imagine how you must be feeling to have gone through all of this to have something we all take for granted, will just happen.
    I have just gone through a misscariage and i'm still a month later getting a positive test as hormones are dropping very slowly, so i am really feeling your pain for loosing your last babies.

    You do have a fantastic mirical baby though. Hug him, love him and he will help you through it.
    Much cyber love sent your way xx

  3. This is the first time I have heard your full story too.I am grateful that you are strong enough to share it with other people so that women (and men) going through infertillity may know that not only are they not alone, but that things can go well too (sunny boy). I am sorry that you lost so many little lives last xmas.Hugs

  4. Thank you for sharing this. So much sadness, and so much love for your beautiful Sunnyboy. And your little lost babies.

  5. I'm sniffling right now, and giving you a virtual hug.

  6. Sunny Mama,like others have said, it is the first time I have heard about the whole story. So sad that you went through all this. You are very wise to come to terms with this and share it here.
    Hugs to you and your little Sunny boy..

  7. I can't imagine what you have gone through, and what you are still going through.

    My friend is in a situation very similar to yours. She has a daughter that after failed IVF she concieved naturally. Her daughter is now approaching four years old, and she has been ttc since her daughter was born without success.

    She had PID too, and has been told that she will probably never concieve a child and she can't face/ afford IVF.

    I never know what to say to her. We are close in so many ways but not with this. She withdraws from me each time she has a negative result.

  8. So sorry to hear of all you've gone through! :( Glad however that you've succeeded at least once! I'm not IVF'ing or anything...I have a fibroid which is getting in my way...but it can't be easy for you not to know what the future holds in terms of having more children. -Kristelklear on Twitter

  9. Thank you for sharing. Life puts us all through ordeals, doesn't it?

  10. Oh my dear friend. Something told me to pop in today. My heart cries for you. I when I was younger I went through 2 IVF the last very dangerous so we never went on. Found out 3 yrs ago from another doctor, it was never possible for me. 20 years later I still feel the pain in my heart at times. Sending you BIG hugs and prayers. Know that you are in my heart my dear friend. xo

  11. I've gone through pregnancy loss and stillbirth, and I feel for your heartache.

  12. This is my first time reading your whole story. I am so very sorry mama.I am thankful you decided to share it with all of us.
    *hugs* I can only imagine what you are going through.

  13. My goodness, I didn't know about this part of your life at all. I have met many other women who have gone through IVF and who either had children or decided not to. While I have not experienced it myself, I can imagine that it is not an easy thing.

    My prayers for light and love are being sent your way. I pray you get to have another baby or that one finds you one way or another.

    Lots of love,


  14. This is the first time I've read your story as well. My heart goes out to you! I'll keep praying that someday you will be able to have another child.

  15. Oh Sunnymama, my heart cries for you! It must be so hard but how grateful you must be to have your little boy - he's your miracle child! It doesn't seem fair sometimes that some women can have so many and those that want can't have... and then there are those that don't want their children. Don't give up,, keep trying you were so close.

    I have a beautiful video on my blog for Sunnyboy to watch I know he will love it... xxx

  16. How heartbreaking for you all, Sending you so many healing hugs and blessings.
    Gina xxx

  17. Here from Lost & Found. What a story! I'm sorry there has been so much heartbreak. I have my fingers crossed for what the future holds for you.